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Everton Stand Up To Classless Chelsea…
by Ed Bottomley

“23-19,! WE HAVE A 23-19!!!”

There’s a scene in the film Monster’s Inc, where hapless fuzzy monster George Sanderson, casually strolling along, is spotted to have a (toxic) human sock on his shoulder. It takes but two seconds for the jobsworth grasses to cry foul and set the alarms off. Within seconds the C.D.A. (Child Detection Agency) are abseiling through the windows, and poor George is descended upon. The sock is destroyed like a rogue package in a train station, and George is shaved of all hair and has a cone of shame plonked on his head.

I always picture coiffed nonsense peddler Robbie Savage as being one of those grasses on the factory floor, screaming that the defender “made contact” with the attacker. 

And this is where I get completely confused.

When contact was made with the ball, and a fair tackle was made, like when Yerry Mina tackled Hazard, he got a yellow card for it:


 

But when Jorginho went two footed on Gylfi’s ankle? The Italian got a yellow card. Does that make Mina’s and Jorginho’s tackles equal offences in the eyes of the football law?

And if those two got yellows, why did this get absolutely nothing from the referee?

Perhaps I shouldn’t be confused. Perhaps I know exactly why the ref is giving Chelsea players the benefit of the doubt. It’s the same reason why Jon Moss ignored Anthony Martial’s blatant dive. Because they’re the “big club” and we’re the one’s with the temerity to try and beat them. 

But it’s not like Chelsea are football royalty are they? In the 70’s they had actual hairdryers in their dressing rooms. In the 80’s they were bought for a quid by a bearded, fur coated, spiv. And in the Noughties they were bought by a shady Russian, who couldn’t even secure a British visa a few months ago. Over to you Matthew Syed: 

“One has to look how he amassed his wealth… Stolen money – certainly fraudulently got – is what is bankrolling Chelsea… You can’t look at this in a purely footballing context. You have to look at the wider moral context, and in that sense it has been a deeply corrosive influence on British football.”

With zero scruples, and an ocean of roubles, Chelski have gobbled up young players like hungry hippos. Parking them at feeder clubs, sitting on them like financial investments. Ross Barkley was one of those investments, Marina Granovskaia having pegged him as a player who could be got on the cheap, parked, and then moved on for a profit. It was good to see him get a few minutes against us. 

My memories of Chelsea games at “the Bridge” have all – apart from a few exceptions – merged into one giant hemorrhoidal pustule.

Wafer-thin charcoal frisbees masquerading as burgers, Chelsea fans popping up off their seats to laugh at a foreigner in the Toffees team – smugly unaware of Chelsea’s own phalanx of foreigners – gippy little goals which come back to haunt me again and again like a persistent pop-up error message on a computer screen (Mutu’s handball!).

I even witnessed what can only be described as an Everton roast where a ‘Chelsea MC’, Neil Barnett, scuttled onto the pitch before the game and ripped into Everton for five minutes, boozy guffaws echoing back at the comedian with the mic. On other occasions, Mr Barnett couldn’t even be arsed to read out the Everton side. Deliciously, Chelsea even managed to treat him like sh*te:

Booing injured players, refusing to applaud the away keeper, screaming for strikers to break Neville Southall’s legs, only becoming relevant once they had been purchased with the stolen mineral wealth of Russia, my reasons for disliking Chelsea are legion.

Add to that Sunday, when we scared Chelsea so much that they had to resort to stamping on ankles and had 6ft 3in hard-as-nails German, Antonio Rüdiger screaming “23-19!!” as he lay weeping on the turf. Apparently 5ft 4in Bernard headbutted him. No news as yet on where the stepladder came from. Perhaps we should see it as a complement… The next step will be getting a fake match report written in our honour by Chelsea…

 

Written by Ed Bottomley

Everton fan exiled in Michigan. Duncan Ferguson obsessive, history buff, optimist. Follow me on Twitter @Dixies60

2 Comments

Good stuff Ed, not sure how you missed the moving of foam by Fabregas to steal another yard st a late free kick, I guess you were already apoplectic with rage by that point… can’t blame you either, they’re almost as despicable as the unmentionables.

by AndyC on Nov 13, 2018 at 1:50 pm


    Only just saw that last night Andy… Ridiculous.

    by Ed Bottomley on Nov 13, 2018 at 2:38 pm


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