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Eternal Sunshine of Big Sam’s Spotless Mind…
by Ed Bottomley

There’s a place where Sam Allardyce is adored and feted for his footballing genius. Where he’s seen as a man who takes his lemons and makes vats of lemonade. A hero who manages wretched teams and squeezes performances out of them until the pips squeak and the fans squeal with delight. A man who is immune to criticism, relegation, and social media morons. Especially social media morons. There’s a place where Sir Sam Allardyce, having won the World Cup and turned down the chance to manage Real Madrid (“too easy”) bounds around England like Henry V.

He’s better than Henry V though. His Agincourts, hard won victories against the odds, are too many to count. He beat Liverpool on away goals this season! Total mastery. Liverpool! It could be Everton in the semis of the Champions League. In fact, it *should* be Everton in the semis. If only Sam’s players would listen…

Yes, there’s definitely a place where Everton, having cunningly rope-a-doped for most of the game, uncoiled and struck Liverpool like cobras, with Dominic Calvert Lewin scoring the derby winner. Or a Champions League winner.

That place is in Sam Allardyce’s head.

In reality – that place where everyone else resides – Sam hasn’t done a good job. A depleted and distracted Liverpool, with several obvious holes in their defence, should have been attacked from the off. Walcott and Bolasie should have been galloping at Liverpool’s defence. Instead we were a tortoise hiding in our shells for most of the game. Big Sam’s “WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT” roar at the end of the derby could easily have been delivered in front of a mirror.

 

Allardyce’s appointment – one borne of the irrational fear of relegation – has provided the final decisive blow to a season that barely has a pulse anymore. He’s turned us into a club with no direction and no discernible playing style. He’s managed to defuse Goodison, a ticking bomb of positivity and a very real weapon in home games. And all the while we’ve had to dodge happiness shrapnel from our neighbours next door.

He’s a footballing Dementor, a man who has sucked all joy out of Everton.

If Moshiri and the gang are looking for an easy “win” this summer, something that’s guaranteed to raise morale, all they have to do is get rid of Sam Allardyce. It’s that simple.

NB: This post is being pushed out on social media, and as such should be treated with the utmost skepticism. There’s no doubt (in Sam’s head) that the speculating unprofessionals on social media are a minuscule minority.

Written by Ed Bottomley

Everton fan exiled in Michigan. Duncan Ferguson obsessive, history buff, optimist. Follow me on Twitter @Dixies60

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