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A Caveman At The School of Science…
by Ed Bottomley

Another defeat. This time to Burnley. A team that hadn’t won in 50 some games after conceding first, and had only scored two once this season. Enter Everton, the humble and ever-obliging butler that cures all problems…

Haven’t won in ages, sir? Allow me, to help sir.

A spot of bother scoring goals? I’d be happy to assist, sir.

Whatever the mental block, or statistical clog, we’ll dutifully clean it up. Other teams must love us.

How do we fix this?

First off… Let’s get a new manager. Big Sam was a bad idea from the start. Forget about the teasing about his weight, his love for pints of wine, or his monumentally huge ego. Those things would have been celebrated if he’d have got us purring. But the problems were obvious from the start. Big Sam is not for changing. He’s a man set in his ways, a man too proud to admit he’s ever at fault. Sam Allardyce may be humble underneath all the rolls of fat and footballing experience, but his footballing alter ego, Big Sam, constantly has his deflector shields up. Playing all-out defence against Liverpool and somehow scabbing a draw isn’t “mastery” and it’s nothing worth celebrating if you’re Everton…

He’s a man perpetually stuck in small club mode, and he’s spent so much time there he’s unable to shift out of it. Attritional trench warfare and 40 points was not what we needed. Equally, Big Sam failing at Big Club, was a self fulfilling narrative. Not only are we a mess, but we’re a mess wholly unsuited to playing Big Sam style football. Surely one of the prerequisites for Hoof it up to the Big Man is having a big man in the first place…

And the worst bit? He isn’t even doing the stuff he’s supposed to do well. He’s supposed to be good at sorting defences out. But ours looks like a Heironymous Bosch… He’s meant/ to be good at eking out results, but we raise the white flag against teams like Burnley.

So who do we get?

Someone with a consensus behind him for a start. If Unsworth was hamstrung by the fact he was only a temporary appointment, then surely the same can be said of Allardyce too… If most fans suspected that Sam wasn’t going to be here for long – a panic managerial buy – then surely the players could sense it too. With every poor result, you can see Allardyce’s authority waning, and his excuses getting more labyrinthine and bizarre. The same can be said for today. We lost to ruddy Burnley. He started Tosun, who he’d previously claimed couldn’t play in the cold, in the week that the country gets hit by Siberian blizzards.

The only place Sam has succeeded is in his head. And he needs to go for all our sanity.

Written by Ed Bottomley

Everton fan exiled in Michigan. Duncan Ferguson obsessive, history buff, optimist. Follow me on Twitter @DixiesSixty

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